I was busy getting our juice ready for this past weekends ride and was fumbling with the Camelbak bladders and found a pack of Jelly Tots lurking in one of the compartments. I didn’t really feel like eating them but that’s never stopped me before. I guzzled some down and not even after two swishes in my mouth, I felt a hard piece of Jelly Tot. Mmm, new variant of Jelly Tot. not so tasty. I actually just knew that I had chipped my tooth. I spat out the piece of enamel like it was the most foreign thing ever and whimpered to myself ” I’m getting old, fcuk it”.

Now with everything else I have to organise for the Cape Epic, I have to make an appointment with a depressed dentist. Joy to my soul.

My Mom recommended a new dentist in Kloof so, I, being the very responsible person that I am, made an appointment.

I arrived at the dentist. The rooms were kind of, well, uhm, they needed some TLC. It was very quiet too, so quiet in fact that I felt like I needed to tip toe in there – and there was no one else in the waiting room either. Why is there no one else in the waiting room? Why? Maybe I should make a run for it now…The more I thought about it the more my mind wandered.  Maybe he’s a dentist killer by day, family man by night, maybe he’s not a family man at all maybe he’s just a dentist killer all day and all night and maybe the secretary is involved too. For Fcuk sake I wish I didn’t watch that blimmin Crime and Investigation network.

After a few minutes of waiting the dentist killer appeared. My jaw dropped as though I was already lying on the chair awaiting my filling. Crumbs, this guy is hot! Young and hot. Are we on the set of The Bachelor? I don’t care if he’s a dentist killer…I can deal with it.

“Louise Sanders” he called out in a confident tone.

I walked towards him feeling rather confident with that little bit of extra height thanks to my platform shoes.

He stretched his arm out to give me a handshake. “Hi I’m Dr sdlkfjslkdjf “. Clearly I didn’t quite get the name – I was too busy concentrating on being serious.

So I explained that I had a gaping hole in my tooth, the result of an innocent little encounter with a Jelly Tot. He found that amusing.

“Were they cold Jelly Tots?” He asked.

“No they were normal warm jelly tots” Why the hell would I eat hard jelly tots?

“Well okay then, we’ll fix it all up for you. Just have a seat”

Anything you say Dr sdlkfjslkdjf

“Mmm, what have you been eating that is blue” he pried.

“Oh I must have been chewing on my pen” He so knows I’m fibbing.

Was actually trying to get a piece of Cornflake out with the tip of a pen – it was the closest thing to a toothpick at that point in time okay!

And then just thinking about the blue dot of ink on my tooth, I felt an inner giggle attack coming on. Oh please no, not a giggle attack. The giggles start in my head and then quite quickly manifest into a visible fit of laughter. But thank goodness I saw that huge mother of an anaesthetic injection coming towards me because that sent those giggles to Timbuktu before I could say “dentist killer”.

The whole process was quick and painless although the right side of my mouth felt like it had a Botox overdose (not that I have ever had Botox!) and I tried limiting my answers to his questions to one word responses only for fear of sounding incoherent. I could see strings of slobber strewn from his gloves every now and then which made me feel REAL attractive. And when he was done, I thanked him in a kind of Chipmunk language, “Sank-you Zokter”. But before I could escape any further conversation he told me that I needed to come back at some stage for another minor filling in my wisdom tooth! “I need anuzer filling? Weally, anuzer injekshin too?” “Yes, you do”, he said with a sympathetic tone. Stop talking, go pay the bill, you sound like a Chipmunk and look like a monkey, stop providing him with free entertainment.

So as soon as he stopped talking, I waved goodbye and scuttled down the hallway to pay the secretary.

Fcuk – R880. “Really, are you sure” She is a medical secretary, why would she joke?

I swallowed some saliva and hesitantly handed over the Visa…


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